Missions at Home
DIVORCE IMPACTS EVERYONE
Kate Layman Gee
Whom does divorce affect? The short answer is everyone. Obviously, the deepest impact is on the divorcing couple. But the ripple effects reach more people than may be first realized. Most immediately, each couple’s children (no matter what age they are at the time of the divorce) carry life-long scars and burdens arising from the fact that their parents are no longer together. Grandchildren of a divorced couple are affected as they try to understand why their grandparents that they love don’t live together anymore. The parents of a divorcing couple are impacted because they often are called on to help with the raising of another generation. Extended family is affected due to the complications the divorce causes to family gatherings and holidays. Friends are impacted too. They often find they have to “choose sides” with the divorcing couple. Beyond that, the divorce of a couple in a friendship circle – think of a small group – is destabilizing to the other couples in that group. Each couple may wonder if the same thing could happen to them, or they may even consider divorce a possibility since “everyone else is doing it.”
Who gets divorced? Again, it’s a broad range of men and women, including people who have been married just a couple of years, often without children; people who have been married for 10-20 years, usually with children; and people who have been married over 30 years, usually “empty nesters”. In fact, so-called “gray divorce” is the fastest growing age group. One of the sobering realities is that the rate of divorce in the church is not much different from that in our society at large.
Divorce is not supposed to happen – and especially in the Church. The Bible is clear that while divorce is permitted in limited circumstances, it is God’s intent that those whom God has joined are not to be separated. No one on their wedding day imagines that they will ever contemplate, or be forced to go through a divorce. When a man and woman are joined in marriage, they become “one flesh”. God uses “superglue”, and when a divorce happens people don’t easily go back to being two again.
Instead there is a spiritual and emotional tearing -- a tearing that leaves open wounds like anger, loneliness, loss of identity and depression. All of this is extraordinarily painful and it takes a long time to heal regardless of who initiates the divorce.
What can you do when a family member, or friend, tells you that it looks like they will be getting a divorce? Certainly listening, praying for, and supporting family and friends is a first and critical step. But most people find they are not well equipped to understand what people going through a divorce are experiencing. Because of that, we recommend pointing them – both men and women - to DivorceCare as a very effective way to help people begin to heal and recover.
As part of its caring ministries, Springton Lake has been sponsoring DivorceCare for 3 years during the fall. Dennis and Kate Gee and Jennifer White are the facilitators. This ministry is a combination of support group and seminar open to everyone in the community. It is a Biblical, video-based program, and it includes an extremely useful workbook. Dennis and I have been previously divorced, and Jennifer is a child of divorce. Each of us is able to empathize with the men and women in our groups, sharing some of our experiences when appropriate, but often just serving as a listening ear. Beyond that, participants consistently tell us that a key part of DivorceCare is the discussions – being able to share experiences, learn from others, and realize that other people are walking a similar, painful path.
Beginning on Sept. 14th, we will be hosting another DivorceCare group this fall for 13 Wednesday evenings. It is not too late to join us on any Wednesday after this start-up date. We meet from 7-9 pm by the fireplace in Fellowship Hall at Springton Lake Presbyterian Church. Questions can be addressed by email to Dennis and Kate Gee divorcecare@slpca.org.
